Dreaming Big

im going to do my taxes, hopefully by this weekend.
when i get my tax return, pay off the rest of my bills, not including school loan as it is big and im ok with paying it down on my own, maybe that establishes credit or something.
then, my next step is going down to evergreen state college, tacoma campus, hopefully and signing up for a class. small steps, right? im going to go, right now, for an english degree and who knows where that will take me. i think, at least, it will get me closer to some kind of life i want to live. to be a grown up, working, but doing something i actually enjoy.
i was very, very, motivated when i was in high school. i was going to go to college straight out of school. get an english degree. be a teacher and a writer. im not so sure about the teaching thing anymore. maybe....but writer. yeah. that would be pretty cool.
i have this creative being inside of me who is trying to burst out. this is why, right now, in my life as it is, ive checked out.
i dream of writing
i dream of new places
i dream of art shows
i dream of success
can i have that?

I have this daydream. I leave, take my new car and my boys and if i was lucky, neil,  and drive. just keep going. using my parents money that was willed to me, to live off of and us, just us, find new things, new places, new people.
im bored. this life im in at this present moment is boring. im much more than what i have to be now. i crave for what i daydream about. being able to just go and run free. being able to get up in the morning and spend those important moments with my kids. watch the sun rise. i crave for life to move slowly. i hate to rush. i was not made to rush. my life is meant to move slowly, so im able to capture everything and able to breathe and able to think and able to just be in the moment happy.
yeah, so people, grown up people, are supposed to do this. we are supposed to work and the norm is work meaninless jobs just to "survive". we all do it, right? so i'm supposed to be ok with it. but im not. im at a crossroads. i see the directions that are open to me. i can choose the easy way. which is where im now. work, bored, work, bored. dreaming, bored. or the other road. i can just jump. jump into that daydream of being more than i am now. of being alive.

It's easier to hold on to the past and not say goodbye when you have things from that past that keep you locked in that time. 
My parent's house is finally about to sell. 

I went to their house last night, to pick up what was left there for me. It was one old, rusty chest, crammed full of photos, some in frames which were broken, some just thrown in there, with no care taken, and also a box full of the same. 
My Grandmothers things are gone. Thrown out. My mothers things are gone, sold, and thrown out. My childhood, the tokens from those memories, are gone, thrown out. Nothing was saved for me to take because I wasn't thought of enough to save them. 
I got the photos that were left for me. 

I looked around the yard, looked inside the house. It is empty. Totally empty. New carpet, new paint. Empty. 
I saw nothing then saw my dads chair with him in it. Saw my mom in the kitchen window, saw the house busy and warm and full of life. 
Then it was empty. 


There is nothing left.

I have to say goodbye.

 I need money. Funny, don't we all. Well, I'm planning this trip to Kentucky. It's very important. I'll get to see my bestest friend Theresa. I haven't seen her in about 3 years which is so strange because I feel like in a way i see her every day. We talk every day, well, just about every day. Three years is too long, way too long. I haven't been to Kentucky in 10 years and it's long past due that I return. I'm taking my two boys. Tyler is 9 now. I took him there when he was just 4 months old. He needs to go back. Liam is 7 and has never been there. It's important I take them. They need to see where part of their family came from. My dad was born there. We plan to go to his home town and visit some family as well. 
I need money. This trip is going to cost me about $2,000 just to fly there. I'm anxiously waiting this tax rebate thing we're all supposed to get. I haven't recieved mine yet. I haven't even recieved any mail telling me when i'm gonna get it. Most of my friends have recieved theirs. Ahhh, it makes me crazy. That money, which should be around 1,200 will help so much towards me buying the tickets. 
I was thinking of selling some of my photography prints. I don't know where or if I have enough time to do it though.

money sucks! 

Booooooooooooo

 I have a very bad case of writers block which is why I am never seen on here or anywhere else online writing anything worth while. My only reason I can come up with for this extreme case of writers block is this. My life is the same routine day to day. I have no inspiration. Nothing. 

I'm at work. I'm at the job position I had left, happily, last September. I'm back, unwillingly. The only two things I can find joyful in this job position is this....1.seclusion, exception for the occasional "donor" that graces my presence or on that extreme occasion a billion donors that grace my presence. other than that, I have virtually no contact with anyone including co-workers. I love that. 2. I can email to my hearts content and still work and still get stuff done and no one bothers me. Sweet. So now there is the downside to this job position. It is every  other fucking thing about this job. it's miserable. And. I did not go to a year of tech school, pay up my ass in tuition that I owe deeply for to sit here back in this pathetic,  cold office just to deal with a bunch of losers who want to either yell at me because they have to be here or demean my job because they are, well, assholes. 

I sit here in pain. I need to see a doctor. I haven't seen a doctor because I want to see MY doctor, not the doc-in-a-box. I don't want to spend most of my evening sitting in the waiting room just to be rushed through. 
I think I have another kidney infection. Yes. Another. I had one not 4 weeks ago. I think it never really went away. I either have that, or a very bad UTI or a bladder infection which is not the same as a UTI. 

I need to go see my doctor. I can't. Why? Because I'm at work. Because we are so short staffed I don't want to call in sick. If I wasn't forced back into this job position I probably would either call in sick or leave early but now I'm here, and in here there is no one else to cover for you. I'm stuck, in pain and I want to say fuck it, this is their problem but I don't want the drama or anything else that 'they' will throw back at me. 

Tonight: I got to buy my tabs for my car, they expired 2 days ago.
then, maybe, go visit doc-in-the-box. 

Then, sit at home and think about how my future can change. people do it all the time, right? 

So, how do I do it?

My dad died. 
Does it make it more real when you say it or type it? It comes out of my mouth, naturally, like so matter of fact. I've told a few people this and they are shocked and saddened and I'm like, oh its ok, like its nothing, but it is something. Its the end of a legacy. I knew it was coming, I look forward to it coming. He was old, old and broken and when things are old and broken they die, right? Well, its hard to think it was my dad. That dad who worked up until a few years ago, already when some dads are either gone or at home relaxing with their grandchildren and hobbies. Not my dad, he worked. He was strong and fit and some what healthy. He was like an old tree, a big old tree. You never thought it was him to fall apart. My strong dad, who stood so strong, was this little old old man in a bed, unable to move, unable to talk, unable to eat. My last day with him was sunday, fathers day. I got on my knees next to him. his bed being lowered due to him falling out of it. i kneeled on the mattress next to his bed and i had that connection with him. no words needed. we both just looked at each other and i saw that dad i had all those years when i was his little girl and no body else mattered but us. i layed my head on his chest. it was small and fragile and i said "is it ok if i hug you?" his little hand on my back answered my question. i asked him if he remembered when i called him daddo? I was tiny then, like a 2 or 3 year old, he made this noise, a grumble, and i knew it meant he did. I stayed on his chest. We connected again, that cord that was almost severed so many years before, reconnected. Connected. Connected to him, the one that made me a princess. The one that bought me a horse. The one who went to work every day and to come home to us. The one who took me on a hill to watch the thunder crash down and made me not afraid of it. The one who threw me in that pond and made me learn how to be brave. The one who took me fishing and years later would boast about how I threw the fish back after kissing it and telling it to go back to its mommy. The one who would let me sneak sips of his coffee when my mom wasnt looking. The one who i could run to and i knew would protect me. 
He is no longer in pain, i believe that. he isnt suffering, i believe that. He's with my mom now, i believe that. I can't go visit him anymore, I know that. That man i knew, who was strong, as stong as a tree, has evolved, grew his limbs back, walked, ran, and danced. i believe that. My dad died, his body died. He is light now. He is that thunder and that lightning, he is that water and that fish, he is that garden he tended to, he is a tree he is everything and everywhere and so he's not gone.

That was for you Dad.

This is seriously my daily life here. I have so many reasons why I hate, loathe this job. Why I feel like I want to be medicated on xanax at least while I have to be here. Why I NEED to desperately find a way out and find a way into what I love to do and what I think I'm meant to do, or something. 
Anway, I have to put this in order. Its, i guess in a way therapeutic. This might show a small reason why I might have to give up drinking coffee too and for that i hate this place a bit more.
Before I begin I have to give you an idea of where I work and what it looks like here. I work in a medical office building. I'm the fortunate one to have to crappiest office known to man. Have you ever seen Office Space. Remember when they put Milton in the basement (dungeon), well, yeah, thats how it is here. my office i think used to be storage space. You walk into the waiting room and its a small squarish room with no windows. Then you go through another door to come back to my office and work space. I do drug testing and alcohol testing as well. So people either pee for me or blow into a tube. Woohoo..fun. The thing is as much as my office looks like crap, i feel its not that hard to figure stuff out. If my door to my office and work space is closed, it might mean i'm with someone at that point having them pee, right? right. If you are in the hallway looking at the door to come in it says the suite number the name ect. seems simple right? right. Ok here i go with my daily, i mean daily day of people who shame the human race. I mean it too. 

this morning it starts.....

1. Hear loud knock on outside door, the one in the hallway. i figure, dumb human, i mean who knocks on a door in a hospital or medical clinic or anywhere that isnt a private home or something!
2. wait a moment after they figure out they can open the door for them to either bang on my door or actually figure it out that there is paperwork right in front of them to do. 
3.when i open the door, like after 3-5 minutes to "help" them, i get "I'm not ready", i say, ok then knock (did you notice the word knock?) on my door when you are done.
4.next i hear loud loud banging on my door, more than once, like in a frantic kind of way
5.i open it, paper gets shoved at me and i hear, "i'm not ready, i cant pee, got any water?"
6.i think this, why did you show up if youre not prepared? seriously, is it fun to just sit in my waiting room. do you have nothing else to do. but i keep that to myself, of course
7.it gets better, trust me. next i hear him say, "can you do me a favor, do you have a small packet of vaseline?"
8.WTF?! yep
9.i think i actually cocked my head to the side like a dog does and said, uh, no.
10. "do you know where I can get some"
11. Uh, no

I send him out in the waiting room. he leaves then comes back about 5 min later banging again. not thinking i might be back here with someone else at that point. he comes in, does his test and goes on about how commercial he is( yep seriously) and how 
important he is and how he found his vaseline. 

this isnt unusual either. everyday is like this, just sometimes a bit weirder than others. 

So when i do do my screwups here, my boss wonders why. you know why? bc i leave, seriously. i'm in auto pilot  in this job. i have to be. i "leave" and my body stays behind to do the crappy job that is mine. 

The last few days have been a crazy sort of whirlwind. I'm in England. I've officially became a world traveler, which is one of my goals in life. England is nice. Not really what i expected although i'm not sure what it was i expected. maybe small towns or villages with old people drinking tea and eating crumpets while sheep are grazing in a pasture beside them. not the case. maybe somewhere its that way but from what ive seen its not much different than anywhere in america. was that naive of me to think that way? maybe. 
last wednesday i accomplished my only real lifetime goal which was to make it to scotland. i did that. i cant really describe how it felt. i think the correct words were there as i reached the border and got on scottish land but i was so overwhelmed by it all that i couldnt even be bothered to pick up a pen and paper and write it all down. i felt this cold chill all over my body and i felt frozen and like everything was moving in slow motion. very surreal. we stopped in gretna green and had breakfast. when i got out of the car and my feet touched the ground i thought i was going to burst into tears. why? its so strange and almost silly. we ate breakfast, i didnt talk much pretty much to make sure i wouldnt start to cry. we got back into the car and i couldnt hold it in any longer. i was there. i felt at home. my grandmother and her parents and so on came from this land i'm on at this moment. everywhere i looked i saw her and i felt her and them and felt at home like i belonged there and also like scotland knew i was there too and it welcomed me, like it welcomed me home. i also couldnt stop thinking about neil. the one im with. he brought me here. if it wasnt for him i wouldnt be here in scotland. he didnt have to take me but he did. he drove for 2 days to make my lifetime dream come true. all of this was swirling in my head all at once and it was very very overwhelming. like nothing ive felt before. 
We stayed in a small town in the highlands called Ft.William. it was beautiful. our room looked over loch linnhe and the highlands were right behind it. i went to loch ness, well of course. how could i not. we went to the isle of skye too. being there was magical. you could feel the energy of the land and that there are things out there beyond what we see. the land is alive. the trees, grass, dirt, life beyond what we can only see with our eyes. the isle of skye was alive and had a sort of mystical presence ive not felt anywhere else. 
I go home in 4 days. back to reality. to work, to my babies to my apartment that needs badly cleaned. i wont see neil for 3 months. someday i hope it wont be this way. its my next goal that i hope to achieve, us, me and him, not being apart again. how is it that i was meant to find the "one" so far away. hopefully this next dream will come true.

I get home with my not really so sick little boy Liam yesterday. As soon as I get home, i check my mail and see a letter addressed to me with my still married name and next to it (willoughby) my maiden name. Its from my gonna be ex sister in law. I had that feeling of dread. Not anything bad like a death in the family or anything like that, it was a dread that honestly i was sort of looking for, not surprised to see. Basically, I'm leaving in 10 days to go to England then off to Scotland. People who know me best know that Scotland is the uber place for me. A dream come true since, well, 3 years old maybe. My grandma was born there. My grandma was the most important person in my life. She was it. No body could even come close to comparing to her. So, the idea of going to Scotland is big time for me. It's something that isnt describable really. My gonna be ex sister in law, Kathi, was supposed to do this one small job for me while I was gone. And was gonna be paid well for it too. This was, pick the boys up after school and wait until their father gets home from work to pick them up. Kathi only had to be with the boys for an hour if that for maybe 4 or 5 days until i get home from my trip. Months ago she agreed to this with excitement and joy. But, being a part of that family, I had my suspicions all along. Someone was going to get to her and help her change her mind about it. I was right. I opened my letter and its a long, two pages full of rambling, defensiveness, judgment and being a flat out pussy about it all. I say that word because the first sentence of my letter is "melissa, I cant call you about this because I know you'll try to change my mind" WTF???!!!!!! I dont try to change minds, i wouldnt even think to bother to call her and "beg" her to do this for me. I dont need to do that. I felt pretty stressed about it all though. I was thinking all day, what am i to do? I might not be going now. I start to really panic and my sister in law who is married to my brother calls me, out of the blue, for not really a reason and I start to ramble all of this to here. The words leaving my mouth a million miles an hour. She calms me down saying between her and my brother and my friend Danielle something will get worked out and it will be fine. Fuck them, the gonna be ex's. They were really never family to begin with. 
So, In 10 days i leave for the biggest trip of my life. I'm going first to England. I'm staying in a town south of London and then I'm leaving for Scotland. My sweetie who lives in England (for now) is driving me to Scotland. He has booked a place for us to stay for 4 days then we're off to Glasgow to meet some friends of mine and stay the night with them. I'll be in Scotland for 5 days, 2 days to get there and then 2 days to get back home. I'll have loads and loads of photos to show when I get back. I'm bouncing with excitement already!!! BOUNCE BOUNCE!!! 

My son Liam, the sweet thang that he is, seems to be sick alot these days. Nothing too bad, like i'm not so worried about him that i'm about to rush him to a brazilion doctors. He just gets colds and the typical bugs that are around. It seems to hit only when i'm at work. Not at all on weekends or on the day that his father is off of work. Nope. Its only when Mommy has to call her supervisor and give him the dreaded news...again. This happens alot, alot alot. So, this morning is going ok ish and I get that dreaded call from his school saying that liam is sick. This time I say ok, hang up the phone and start to laugh. It was a sort of hysterical, kinda crazy laugh. I walk over to the office where my supervisor is in, he sees me and in his eyes i see...dread. he said, were you trying to find me. I say, yep, i'm the queen of drama. So, I'm going home in a few minutes, if my cover gets here soon. I'm going to have to use some of my vacation time saved up for England for this...again. And when I do go to England I wont be paid for half of it!!!! I'm poor, stressed and feeling............ah, well, sort of chipper too. I think its the crazy inside of me coming out.........hahahahahahahah

So, my second bit of writing in, what, less than 30 minutes or so. Yeah, I hate my job and I'd rather be doing this. I have soooooo much work to do, so much, but they all know that I'm way too over worked most of the time and forgotton about too. It usually goes this way everyday. I'm leaving soon though. Yay! I'm off to England in.........12 days!!! I'm almost at the point where i'm counting down the seconds too. I'm very excited, very. I get to go overseas for the first time. I'll be able to say, yes, i'm a world traveler. But, most of all I get to see this lovely boy I've met and fell madly in love with. And he's making one of my biggest, well, probably my biggest most important, most wished for dream come true and driving me up to Scotland!!! I've told him already, "you know what this means right?", "You're not getting rid of me now, its a forever thing!hahahahaha" I said it a bit less scary but the jist is there. As soon as i get back i'm gonna hopefully get a computer, new one or my old ancient one fixed up all pretty and learn how to pretty up this journaly thing here AND add some sweet photos to it. I'm a photographer who is trying to make it as my only paid job. I just need to do a few things before that can happen like, get me a better digital camera. Mine is also ancient like the computer. I'll be getting the new one soon,i hope. I say this knowing I have no money, really. No money and no where to get this money cause what i make here in this little hell hole gets sucked dry from my babies ( 8 and almost 6). Its the way life goes and I know that. But, i have faith in the fact that the money will come and i'll be out of here doing what i love and feeling alot more happy. :)

Its my first, very first entry into the online journaly world. But, I'm at work, which always makes me feel miserable. I work in a little clinic/lab and do occupational drug testing..oooo, how fun. I hate it with all of my being and passion. People are idiots, more than I could ever imagine and I wish, like most of us, I could sit at home and be lazy and happy and be paid WELL for it too. 

So, my first bit of writing is short cause the monkeys are banging on the walls wanting in.